


Reflection

by foggynite



Category: Yoroiden Samurai Troopers | Ronin Warriors
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Gaiden, spoilers for the anime series and OVA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 11:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30004311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynite/pseuds/foggynite
Summary: Ryo and Rowan struggle to save their comrades from Talpa while Ryo comes to a realization. After the events of Gaiden, Rowan realizes it too.
Relationships: Hashiba Touma | Rowen Hashiba/Sanada Ryou | Ryo Sanada
Kudos: 1





	1. In my darkest moment

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to FFN from Nov 23, 2001 to May 17, 2004. I think it was posted in some form at Minkland before that?
> 
> Note: Takes place after Sage, Kento, and Cye have been captured by the Dynasty, but before Talpa's defeat. Later parts will take place after the series. The song is "Reflection" by Tool from their "Lateralus" album.

The clang of metal on metal, the grunt of impact, and harsh rasp as the ground protested the scrape of booted feet dragging across its surface. Deftly, one soldier after another was cut down by the armored figure, but still more surged forward like the swelling of a black and green and grey tide. The soldiers parted for each arrow, and when one of their number was struck down, two more fell into his place, swooping in with the inevitability of the ocean waves.

Sweat was beginning to drip into Rowan's eyes, stinging and warm and mixing with the salt of his tears as he tried feebly to blink the pain away without faltering in his assault. It felt like hours since he lost sight of Ryo and his legs burned with the stress of having to brace against the crumbling hills of the Netherworld.

His fingers were beginning to shake as he notched another arrow, but he couldn't pause for a second. His bow was most effective at long range fighting and if he let the swarm of soldiers get too close, he might easily be overpowered.

"Dammit!" He spat as his arrow went wide of its mark, harmlessly Cyeling over the heads of a dozen soldiers. They had to climb over the wreckage left by his previous Arrow Shock Waves, but the rubble barely slowed them down. The tide seemed unstoppable.

His breathing was labored, coming in harsh gasps as his battered ribs protested the strict stance he held his back at. The brief rest he and Ryo had agreed to before continuing had done little to ease the bruising from their first foray into enemy territory. The muscles along his right side twinged each time he reached back for another arrow and both his wrists had steady aches from cramped fingers.

A black gloved hand appeared around the rocky mounds beneath his perch. He kept the movement in his peripheral vision as he continued to fire at the horde below. Waiting until he had a clear shot, he let an arrow fly but rapidly moved on to his next target without waiting to watch the spirit dissipate.

It wasn't until he heard the scraping behind him that he realized he was nearly surrounded. The soldiers to his front had pushed close enough that, should he pause in firing to direct his attention behind him, they would be able converge on his position.

He had never asked to be a Ronin Warrior. He didn't have Sage and Ryo's training, or Kento's strength, or Cye's flexibility. All he had was a mystical bow he'd taught himself how to fire and his cunning. Outnumbered by at least two hundred to one and exhausted, neither weapon currently did him much good.

After he fired off one last arrow behind him, he hefted his bow in front of him like a staff and steeled himself for the first blow. At least he would go down fighting. Sorry, guys, I wasn't strong enough. . .

"Come and get me, rustbuckets," he jeered, dredging up enough energy to smirk arrogantly.

As the creaking ghost armors surrounded him, he launched himself forward with an angry yell and was swallowed by the tide.

~~~

The desperate battle cry was easily discernible in the stillness of the Netherworld. Looking up sharply from his last kill, Ryo searched the horizon frantically for the azure blue of Strata. Littered around him were the empty shells of his foes, the metal husks mutilated just as the land lay scarred by deep gouges.

The burning rage of the Wildfire Armor faded, leaving behind a sharp ache as he realized there were no standing soldiers near him. They had congregated in the hills a football field's length to his left, intent on one point. The castle gates slowly began to open as a barge slowly floated out between them. It sliced through the air, chains clanking as it drew nearer to the focal point. Talpa wanted his last teammate and had gone easy enough on Ryo so that he could witness the overlord's triumph before the soldiers turned to his own capture.

"Like hell you will," he growled as he set out at a breakneck speed across the ravaged territory. He wasn't going to fail another friend. He refused to let that happen.

They had engaged in battle close to the fortress perimeter, so the barge did not have far to travel on its sinister pursuit. Ryo pushed his legs hard, pounding toward the back of the mindless army with gritted teeth. The flare of violence and sheer black hate that blossomed in his chest burned the air from his lungs and whited out his vision.

He would not fail.

With a savage roar, he slammed into the troops, wielding his katanas in malevolent precision as he dissected one after another. They would pay, each and every one that had taken his brothers from him, that had ripped away the bond of blood and sweat and tears and thrown them in shackles, to be lifeless and frozen in that stillness he couldn't penetrate. It was because of these empty creatures that they risked their lives and even their souls to fight the venomous evil of the Dynasty again and again even though they were tired, battered, broken. His world was endangered, Mia and Yuli and Sage and Kento and Cye, and now they tried to take Rowan, but he refused, refused, refused to let that happen because he wasn't going to lose anyone else, wasn't going to let Talpa hurt them anymore. He would succeed even if he had to die to do it.

~~~

When Ryo came back to himself- back to sanity and conscious thought- he found himself holding Rowan gently in his arms underneath a pier outside the fortress. There was sand beneath his knees as he leaned wearily against the rough wooden support beams. He didn't know how he got there. He didn't really care. The immediate area was dead silent, and that's all that mattered.

Shifting his legs around so that Rowan was half-lying on the sand, half- lying across his chest, Ryo made himself as comfortable as possible when sitting in full armor. Rowan stirred briefly, muttering feverishly, and Ryo shook him carefully, trying in vain to wake him. With his waning strength, he removed Strata's helmet and felt along his skull for knots or breaks. Thankfully, the worst of his head wounds was a gash on his forehead where the faceplate had dug into his skin. The fact that he wouldn't wake up worried Ryo, though, if only because they were in the heart of the Dynasty and Wildfire was too tired to drag another body besides his away from danger.

Releasing a slow breath, Ryo took stock of his own injuries and subsequently dismissed them one by one. It seemed the only thing to do was rest up a bit and wait for his friend to regain consciousness. Staring down, Ryo traced with a gloved finger the bruised crescents obvious under Rowan's dark blue lashes. They had both been pushing themselves hard the past week and his admiration of the archer had increased tenfold. They were two Ronins fighting for five, and he knew they would make it. They had to.

Before the other three Ronins had been taken, he and Rowan hadn't really known each other that well. They knew enough to be friends, but they weren't really close, not like he and Sage or Rowan and Kento were. It seemed like Kento was the only one on the team that knew Rowan at all, especially when it came to pre-Ronin life.

Not that Ryo had been terribly forthcoming about his own past, but all they knew of Rowan was that he was from Northeastern America. Whenever Ryo would ask him about his family or upbringing, he would just say, "'We are the sum of our experiences,' but that doesn't mean you can't subtract or multiply in your life either." Every time, Ryo just stared blankly and let the subject drop. Literature had never been one of his strong points, and he suspected Rowan had been quoting someone in there, but damned if he could figure who.

The bearer of Strata had a tendency to do that, just quote something out of the blue or ramble off some scientific theory like he expected everyone to know it. Ryo had taken it for conceit when they first met, but then he realized Rowan really did think everyone knew the things he did. Hanging out with the guys definitely cured him of that quick. Not that they were stupid or anything, but Rowan was in a genius class of his own. Ryo didn't mind listening to him ramble, though, because he loved to watch the way his face lit up when he was figuring out puzzle or coming up with improvements for a solution. He just seemed so . . . alive.

Ryo looked away from the youthful face of his companion, a slow blush burning his cheeks. Now was not the time nor the place to be dwelling on anything near where his mind was going. They were still in danger and he was way too tired to give it the attention it deserved.

As he leaned back, drifting in and out alertness, it occurred to him that the only time any of them could get physically close to the archer was when he was unconscious. His wry snort hurt his chest, so he closed his eyes, just to rest them for a minute. . .

~~~

The Armor of Inferno roared through his veins, burning like the hottest magma as everything that was Ryo was scorched away. He was justice, wisdom, trust, virtue, all that was noble and pure, refined until he could no longer feel anything, just the driving goal to Protect. This was what he was born to be, destined to be, he just had to surrender his soul to the blasting and furious tide of energy that surrounded him, buffeted him back and forth like a child's doll. They wanted him to take their powers, their lives, and he could feel them reaching out.

Everything was pushing at him, taunting him, refusing to let him rest. He couldn't accept the armor's fury, or else there would be nothing left of himself to control it. His legs refused to hold the weight of Wildfire as it was, and he sunk to his knees in despair. The weariness was radiating from his chest, a tight pressure binding his ribs and his lungs with suffocating force, yet he couldn't control the trembling in his arms, the quivering of his muscles.

They had been fighting for so long. Now he had a chance to end it. Accept the Inferno and destroy Talpa.

Every moment of doubt in his young life raced through his mind. Every feeling of inadequacy and wretchedness and ineptitude reminded him that he wasn't worthy to carry this armor, to support his friends. All he brought with him was pain and disappointment, and death. He couldn't let his friends die.

 _Take what we offer, Ryo. It is given freely and without recrimination._ The cool, reasonable voice of Sage, always determined to stand by his duty even if it meant his life. He would never abandon his principles, nor his friends.

 _You can fight him, Ryo. We'll be all right._ Cye's unending optimism, willing to put complete trust in his comrades and never doubt that they could pull through in the end.

 _Kick his ass, man. Time for this creep to go down._ Things were so simple to Kento. He could break down the complex, driving to the heart of the matter, and do what needed to be done without a second thought.

And the last voice to reach him was the deep cold of space, the rumble of thunder in a storm, the light blue of the skies on a sunny day. Cool energy caressed his skin, leaving trails icy as death's fingertips along his arms and cheeks.

_You could never fail us, Ryo. We'll end this together._

Lifting a gloved hand to the ghostly touch, Ryo could feel Rowan's exhaustion through the mindlink, but still the archer offered his power and his faith. That Rowan, the hardest cynic he knew, believed in him...

Giving himself up to the moment, he opened his arms wide and let the darkness take him.

~~~

Blazing, piercing white flare of light, dazzling the eyes until white white white is all that's left to see and touch and taste. Warming and burning and cleansing with an angry blinding fire.

The quickening fury of a tempest, the roaring strength of a tsunami, the pounding rush of the tide around deafened ears. Nature is shrieking its suffering.

A low rumble, shaking the earth with its vehemence until the ground shatters and debris sprays and gouges and tears. The world detonates and only pieces are left.

The screaming of the cosmos, a supernova that never stops exploding in a graveyard of heavenly bodies, rushing outwards, pushing against fate and time until only a charred, scarred chunk of rock remains.

~~~

Ryo fell back to the hard tiles of the Dynasty roof with a solid, sickening thud of impact. The Armor of Inferno separated, returning the other four armors to their bearers, but Ryo could still feel the wraiths of each in his soul.

The armors were inexorably tied to him and the bond could not be broken by distance.


	2. Familiar light reflections

The battle was over now, but he was falling so fast, so horribly fast, a blur of red in the grey skies of the Netherworld and there was nothing they could do. Frustration tore at Rowan, blind panic stole his breath away, because he was bound and weak, but Ryo needed him and he hadn't the strength to halt the whistling plummet of his comrade.

The impact reverberated through the roof tiles, into the very stones of the fortress, knocking loose dust and already broken frames. He felt it in his teeth and his body ached in sympathy as a crater blossomed around the Armor of Wildfire.

Strata had returned to him seconds before the shocking collision, but it was too late. All he could do now was sprint across the shaky and slippery tiles, racing towards his friend. Cye kept pace on his left, determined to reach the focus of their concern before any more Dynasty surprises were revealed. Rowan couldn't have cared less about possible dangers at that point. He would tear apart anything that crossed his path, to the possibility of even the remaining Ronins. His panic was receding, but he was too scattered and shocked to recognize the armor bonds.

He was crouching, removing Ryo's helmet, and there was blood, too much to be a simple wound and he was convinced the leader of their motley group was dying or already dead. Hysteria was rising, wrapping around his chest and squeezing tight until he could barely breathe and all that escaped his mouth was a moan, like a wounded animal, as he cradled Ryo's head against the fabric of his subarmor.

"He'll be fine. He's fine." Cye was muttering a litany of heart-rending reassurances, more for his teammates' sakes than a product of his own doubt, as he placed weary hand over the wounds to heal them. Sage was limping painfully, half-supported by Kento, as they struggled forward to assist. The Warlords stayed wisely away.

"Head wounds always bleed worse. The blood vessels are closer to the skin. It just looks worse, but he's fine. He'll be all right. He's fine." Cye kept repeating it over and over, until Rowan just wanted to shriek at him.

Angry words bubbled up his throat, frothing against his tongue like bitter acid, but he kept quiet. He needed to be cool, calm, logical. He was the sane one; he never lost control. Seeing the black-red-rust slick fingers of his gloves, the life dripping from his fingertips like rain water from a leaf, Rowan fought amazingly hard to keep his self-possession.

He wanted to open his mouth, to ask if there were internal injuries they couldn't see, if it was still Ryo in there and not some empty broken husk, but his lips were glued shut by his own indrawn breath and grinding teeth. Instead, he ground his knees into the cold grey concrete tiles and ran his slick fingers through matted brown hair, spreading the redness and trying so hard not to, but unable to stop his hand from moving. He needed to touch, needed the physical connection, because Wildfire was so weak in the bond, barely registering where once it burned scorching bright.

Light blue and green gloved hands rested on the battered armored chest, glowing and pure and Rowan willed Strata to join them, just as Hardrock poured his power into the link, covering them like damp earth. With narrowed eyes, Rowan was able to free a hand and lay it gently over Sage's, feeling the exhausted tremors vibrating beneath his.

They had come so far they could not lose now.

~~~

A cool ocean breeze teased his lips, anointing his cheeks with a light salty spray. Ryo opened his eyes slowly, but found they were already tracking bright swirls of light in the darkness.

In his subarmor, he was floating, but grounded; dizzy, but perfectly clear. There was nothing around him, yet the pressure of a thousand years crowded him until he thought his arms would not move. But they were free. He was free, and he had no idea where he was or who he was or why he should worry.

The darkness was comforting and he found himself watching the ribbons of color with bemusement. They might have been right behind his eyelids, or fifty meters away, but his perspective was skewed and he couldn't focus on any specific points for reference.

The breeze became more insistent, and he inhaled but didn't inhale the scent of brine and salt and sand and sunshine. A memory was urging him to do... something… After a moment, he let the demand fade from his thoughts.

A warmth started spreading through his chest, igniting his cells until it felt like his body was melting. The heat was scorching, burning away the inside of his chest cavity and peeling back layers of his skin in charred flakes. A scream welled from deep within, but the flames were licking the backs of his teeth and he had no body left.

As suddenly as the warmth began, a blanket of soft coolness wrapped around his aching flesh, soothing his agony but engendering a different pain. He felt secure and protected, yet numb and lost in his lack of reality.

A ghostly touch on his hair, his chest, his shoulders, imposed his self-awareness once more. Familiar and anxious, the touch pulled him into himself, into his memories and senses with a persistent tug that would not be denied.

_We will not lose you._

And he felt loved.

~~~

He justified it by telling himself he was merely inordinately hungry today. The door to Ryo's room just happened to be on his way to the kitchen, and if it happened to be ajar- unlocked- locked- well, it wouldn't hurt to stick his head in and check up on the sleeping warrior.

On his sixth trip to the fridge that hour, he wondered if he was fooling anyone.

The temptation to stare was irresistible, though, and he found himself leaning against the doorjamb for endless minutes, just watching the rise and fall of his chest. 

There was an astounding difference in Ryo when he was asleep. The unnatural stillness was disconcerting. Ryo twitched even when he was sitting in front of the television, and always seemed ready to bound off to the next adventure at any given moment. This silence, this lack of vitality, was just wrong.

"Odd, isn't it?" Sage whispered in his ear, and he had to curb the impulse to strike out.

"What?" Rowan murmured back as he shut the door lightly behind him.

"I think that's the most peaceful we've seen him since the beginning of everything." An elegant shrug. "He's unconscious and completely at ease. Yet, the rest of us know the Dynasty has been defeated and can't seem to relax."

"Old habits." Rowan mirrored the shrug and moved towards their room.

"Speaking of which," Sage paused in the middle of the room as Rowan lay down on his bed. "When are you going to tell him?"

"Huh?" With studied nonchalance, Rowan flipped through a sci-fi novel until he found his current page. The worn paper was comforting beneath his fingers.  
After a moment of silence, he glanced over the edge of the book and blushed when he met Sage's level gaze.

"I can't exactly have a heart to heart with him right now, in case you haven't noticed."

"He's not going to sleep forever, Ro." Sage quirked an eyebrow and Rowan had the urge to hurl the book at him.

"It's not that simple," he muttered as he gestured ineffectually, giving up on the pretense of reading. "I can't just dump it on him right after all this."

"It's as simple or as complicated as you want it to be." Sage sighed and perched on the edge of his bed.

"Easy for you to say. You're the one who has all the socially inept fools stumbling over themselves to curry your favor. You've never had to be the one doing the asking."

"This isn't about me. It's about you and Ryo. He gets a nosebleed at just the thought of dating so I don't think he'll mind if you're not exactly the epitome of suave."

"That's just it!" Rowan sat up straighter. "It's _Ryo_. Everyone knows he's only interested in Mia. I mean, compared to her I've got no chance."

Having the audacity to snort derisively, Sage rose and moved to leave. "If that's what you think, then you never will have one. Why don't you let Ryo decide who he wants?"

With that, he shut the door behind him.

Rowan picked up his novel again, but couldn't see the words.


	3. Makes the hole black

Ryo awoke to an empty room, thankful for the familiar breeze. He was home. White Blaze rumbled a greeting from the carpet, slowly getting to his feet and wandering over to sniff Ryo's hand.

"Hey, boy."

His voice cracked, dry coughs wracking his frame. Someone had left a glass of water on the nightstand. Mia, probably. Grimacing, Ryo tried to sit up and maneuver the glass to his mouth. He didn't want to be coddled by his friends.

And with that wish, all the recent happenings came flooding back to him. He cursed and struggled to untangle himself from the bed, sloshing water out of the glass.

What had happened to his comrades, to the dynasty?

He hit the floor with a resonating thud. Water soaked the fabric of his thin cotton pants. White Blaze grumbled at him and nudged his head as if to say Stupid boy.

"Ryo?"

Rowan's concerned face peered around the edge of the door. Ryo felt a heavy blush spread over his cheeks as he lay spread-eagled on the floor.

"Hey." He croaked and tried vainly to wet his chapped lips. His arms were too shaky to even sit up. If the floor had suddenly decided to suck him into a dark dimension, he wouldn't have argued.

"Most people leave the covers on the bed." Rowan offered dryly, looming over the fallen warrior. White Blaze nodded as though he agreed. Ryo glared with as much dignity as possible and wished he was as good with witty banter as he was with a sword.

"Very funny," he said lamely and let his head fall back. He was trembling from the slight exertion and cursing himself.

White Blaze stood and wandered out of the room. Oh sure, leave me in my time of need, furball.

Without a word, Rowan grasped him under his shoulders and lifted him to his feet. Ryo held on tight as all the blood rushed from his head and didn't realize how close they were until he slowly opened his eyes.

Rowan's wide azure eyes were inches from his, the archer's slightly parted lips so close to his own. Both men froze. Seconds ticked by as neither spoke, the moment quickly becoming awkward. Rowan's face reddened and he snapped his mouth shut. The action broke the stillness between them and Ryo backed away a step.

"My, um. My pants are wet," he stuttered. Rowan smirked. The awkward moment was forgotten. "Oh shut up and help me find a new pair."

"Yes, my liege."

"Shut up."

Both men laughed and the tension was dispelled. Rowan sat him down on the bed as he went to rummage through the dresser.

"Just so you don't freak," he tossed casually over his shoulder. "Talpa's dead and the Dynasty's under Kayura's jurisdiction now. She wants to meet with us once you've rested up."

"I'm fine," Ryo protested automatically, ignoring the fact he was weak as a kitten at the moment. Talpa's dead. Rowan's pointed glance suggested the archer was fully aware of his current state. Ryo scowled. "Really. I'm fine."

"Right. Then you'll be perfectly 'fine' if I leave right now..." Rowan tossed the dry pants on top of the dresser and turned to go. Ryo debated with himself and his wet pants for all of two seconds.

"Hey! You can't just leave me here!"

He pretended his voice didn't come out as whiny and weak as it did, and was relieved when Rowan turned back to him with an evil smile. Shrugging, the archer grabbed the pants and came over to the bed. He motioned to the drawstring of the old pants with a quirked eyebrow.

Ryo blushed twice as hard as before when he realized what the other man meant, then berated himself. It wasn't like they'd never seen each other naked. But why did he get the feeling this was something Rowan would hold over him for years to come?

"So, where's everybody else?" He asked the archer as a distraction. The drawstring was knotted and he wondered who had put the pants on him. Talpa's dead. No more fighting.

"Kento and Cye are down at the lake, Mia's gardening, Yuli's back with his parents, and Sage is going through his forms out somewhere." Rowan bent down in front of him and concentrated on the tie. Ryo remembered to breathe.

"Sorry," Ryo offered without thinking to the blue mop of hair in front of his nose. The archer smelled like sandalwood.

"What for?" The knot fell apart loosely under Rowan's slim fingers.

"You got stuck babysitting."

Rowan sat back on his haunches, hands resting easily on either side of Ryo's thighs, and finally looked up at him. "It's all right. I volunteered."

Ryo opened his mouth to respond, cheeks flushed, but a noise from the hallway distracted both warriors. A light knock and Mia's smiling face appeared, White Blaze not far behind her.

"You're awake! I thought I heard voices."

If she thought anything of their position, she didn't remark. Instead, she came forward and embraced Ryo as Rowan backed away.

"Hey, Mia."

"You're all wet, Ryo." She eyed him critically. He ducked his head and looked at his toes.

"He fought the water glass and the glass won." Rowan supplied helpfully. Ryo glared at him around Mia, who was busy looking for the felled glass.

"You help him change, Rowan," she said with a smile. "I'll go get some more water. And maybe some tea."

"Thanks," Ryo called after her retreating form as Rowan muttered, "Yay, tea. Now he can scald himself, too."

"Hey!"

Rowan just smirked at him and motioned for him to lift his hips so he could remove his pants. Unable to fight the ongoing blush, Ryo helped get the dry pants on as fast as possible. The small task left him weak and breathless. Rowan gave him some space to recover as the archer dragged the wet comforter out to the hall and returned with a fresh one from the linen closet.

When he finished replacing the blanket, he sat next to Ryo and let the other man lean against his shoulder.

"So Talpa's really dead." Ryo finally whispered. The words unblocked the dam that had been holding back his exhaustion all the past months and his eyes watered reflexively. "It's done. We don't have to fight anymore."

"Until the next time we're summoned," Rowan reminded him gently, arm coming around to circle Ryo's slim frame. "But yeah. For now, we don't have to fight."

"Good. Because I'm so very tired right now." His voice was weary and not broken, just drained. He relaxed completely against Rowan, smiling a little as the archer pressed a covert kiss against the crown of his head.

His friends were his power, the counterpoints to his own volatile personality. Kento was his strength, brash and fierce and loyal. Cye was his compassion, the one who wasn't afraid of his emotions and could embrace them. Sage was his serenity, his practicality and his duty. And Rowan...

Rowan was his constant, the one thing he could depend on to remain, like the stars in the sky. He was distant and cold at times, but he burned brightly and Ryo could always find him. Would always find him. He grounded him and lifted him and reminded him what it felt like to fly.

He let his head rest on Rowan's shoulder and felt grateful for so many things.

The moment ended, as it always must, when Kento banged through the kitchen door downstairs as though summoned by Ryo's thoughts. For all Ryo new, he may very well have called the rest of his friends back to the house.

Reluctantly, the two warriors pulled away from each other and Rowan stood.

"You should get back in bed before they get up here, or they'll never let you rest." Words that might have seemed callous, but Ryo understood the concern behind them.

"Right." And he needed help to get back under the covers, which was just one more embarrassment added to the list, but he was grateful for the soft mattress supporting his sore muscles and the cool hand that rested quickly against his cheek, light as the hum of a bird's wing.

Rowan stood straight and then Kento was bursting into the room, exclaiming the obvious. "Dude, you're awake! How you feeling?"

Ryo smiled and brightened, sitting up higher. "I'm fine, man. Just a little burnt out. Nothing some of Mia's cooking won't fix."

"Then you're in luck," Cye said as he maneuvered his way through the door with a lap tray. "She figured you might be hungry, too, so she sent up some miso and crackers with tea."

"Great!"

The room was loud and boisterous and Rowan smiled as he shifted back from the bed, planning to let his friends have their time with Ryo since he'd made sure he got his first. A movement in the doorway caught his eye, and Sage gazed steadily at him for a moment.

Their earlier conversation came to mind and the archer blushed at having been caught so obviously mooning over their friend. He cleared his throat and willed the red in his cheeks away, nodding coolly to Sage and announcing to the room, "I'm gonna see about getting some real food while you guys blather on."

He was dismissed with a wave from Kento and good-natured teasing from Cye, but his exchange with Sage had not gone unnoticed by the bed's occupant. Ryo felt his heart sink at Rowan's reaction to seeing Sage, and he resolutely focused on Kento's enthusiastic reenactment of Talpa's Last Stand, laughing hollowly at his friend's antics.

Sage just watched from the doorway and frowned at his friends' idiocy.


	4. And leave behind this place

The return trip from New York two weeks ago had been somber and grim. Sage still wasn't talking to anyone, just lying listlessly in bed, and Rowan didn't know how to fix him. Ryo was a ghost, barely any better off. Kento, Cye, and Mia were quietly worrying themselves to death, and every time Rowan came into the room, they looked to him like he had all the answers. But he didn't. He didn't know anything. He couldn't fix anything. He didn't even have a place to start, but all he knew was that he wanted Ryo back. He couldn't handle it on his own.

He found the swordsman sitting on the dock, White Blaze sprawled beside their quiet leader. He didn't know what to say. So much had happened, and their wounds hadn't even healed yet.

Maybe he was afraid Ryo's wounds would never heal.

So he stood on the packed earth leading to the dock and waited. He wasn't even sure if he was welcome anymore. His easy rapport with Ryo had seemed absent in New York, overwhelmed by stress and distrust until it was like those first few days when they had just met. And he knew that Ryo wasn't the one to be blamed for the distance.

They had all tried to keep in touch with him, but he was never really one to write, and he had told himself he was too busy to call, or that they would already be asleep when he did have time. His research was important. His career came first. He couldn't allow himself to be distracted.

Excuses, and he knew it. He even felt guilty, but he couldn't undo it. Maybe he didn't want to.

Because Ryo had chosen Mia. They had all moved out, but Ryo stayed, and Rowan didn't need anyone to draw him a picture for that. He might be socially inept, but he wasn't stupid, and he didn't interfere with other people's lives when he wasn't invited. And he definitely wasn't about to make a fool out of himself for a hopeless cause.

He was angry when Ryo went panting after Luna-- and he was a little ashamed to admit that he had let his personal feelings color his attitude towards the girl—but Mia obviously hadn't cared that Ryo was interested in someone else. Yet Ryo wasn't the type to cheat if he was involved with someone; it just wasn't in his nature. The entire situation left Rowan utterly confused, because he had been certain that Ryo and Mia were together, which apparently wasn't the case, and he had no idea how to approach Ryo about it. What was he supposed to say—"I'm so sorry the girl you were trying to hook up with unnecessarily sacrificed her life so you could kill the bad guy. By the way, aren't you dating Mia?"

Yeah, socially inept, but not stupid.

Maybe he was thinking too loudly, because White Blaze stood with a lazy yawn and glared back at him. The movement made Ryo look back over his shoulder, and Rowan was caught in the act. Shrugging to himself, the archer tried to casually stroll forward.

"Hey."  
~~~

He knew Rowan was lurking at the edge of the shore. He had felt the other man's gaze for the past fifteen minutes. But he didn't really want to talk to the archer right now, not when he was feeling so out of sorts.

Things had been so comfortable, so easy, to be around Luna. They had been attracted to each other, and both had acknowledged it, and there wasn't any existential angst attached to it. But now she was dead, and he had cried all his tears silently on the flight home. He had hardly known her, but they had resonated, and so he felt grief at her passing, and he mourned all the lost possibilities. Her death was senseless and brutal in its swiftness. He had never felt so helpless.

Sitting here at the lake, though, he had come to a realization. An epiphany, as Rowan would say. He had to admit that, while Luna had reflected back many of his own traits, she had also possessed many of the qualities he liked about Rowan. And he had to wonder if he had tried to replace his old love, the unrequited love, with a newer, more accessible one.

What did that say about him? Was he really so fickle? Or maybe it was just his way of trying to move on. Falling for someone like Rowan, but so obviously not him. Passionate where he was cool. Fiery where he was the deep cold of space.

And Ryo had to be honest with himself that, if he and Luna had been given a chance, they probably would have been too alike to really mesh. That did little to comfort him over her loss.

White Blaze raised his head, turning to look back at the shore, and Ryo looked as well, wondering if Rowan was finally going back to the house. Instead, the archer looked vaguely uncomfortable and started walking down the dock.

"Hey."

Ryo just nodded and didn't say anything, hoping Rowan would get the idea. He didn't need anyone trying to cheer him up.

"Dinner's almost ready." Rowan finally said. Blaze perked up at that and heaved himself to his feet. Rowan laughed as the tiger sauntered past him, a surprised happy laugh that made Ryo glance sharply at him.

His cheeks were gaunt, eyes bruised beneath. He looked as haggard as Ryo felt, and Ryo didn't feel any satisfaction from that. Ryo had expected him to stick to Sage's side, maybe more so than the rest of them, but Rowan had merely taken his fair share of shifts watching over the Halo warrior.

But then, Ryo had expected a lot of things from Rowan, and it seemed like he would be the one continually surprised.

When Kento had moved out, back to his family's restaurant, Ryo had known the rest would follow. They all had lives to go back to. But Ryo, he didn't have much of anything. So when Mia offered to let him stay, it made sense. White Blaze was hardly a domestic house cat that Ryo could have in an apartment somewhere, and an apartment was all he'd be able to afford.

Cye had moved out shortly after Kento, to share a flat with Hardrock until they could both afford their own places. Ryo had expected Rowan and Sage to do the same, all things considered, but Sage had returned to the family dojo and Rowan had... Well, disappeared would be too harsh, but the archer had simply isolated himself from everyone and everything. Locked up in some lab or another, he was either staring out a telescope or doing mind- boggling calculations, and he didn't have time for his friends anymore.

Rowan had even cut himself off from Sage, Ryo learned when talking to the swordsman shortly before this whole mess started. At the least, Rowan and Sage were best friends, but Ryo had asked around among the guys and none of them had spoken to Rowan in months. Not even Kento.

He'd never admit it, but he was relieved to find out that he wasn't the only one Rowan was avoiding.

A sigh from Rowan drew him from his miserable reverie, but he didn't look up as the archer lowered himself down onto the weathered boards. Their legs hung over the edge, just barely near the water, and Ryo studied their reflections. Rowan was gazing off into the distance, and Ryo... Ryo was gazing at him, and wasn't that the way it always was?

When the archer turned to look at him, Ryo quickly focused on the tips of his dirty toes, absently wiggling them. He had missed the guys and the balance they brought to his life. He just wished they could have reunited under better circumstances. Now that they were back, though, he didn't know what to say.

~~~

Rowan watched Ryo's eyes quickly dart away from his and frowned. Things were never easy in this world. Never simple. About the only time he could be sure of anything was on the battlefield, and even then Fate liked to throw him curve balls. His one constant over the past few years had been his love for Ryo, and that had never wavered, even when he tried to ignore it. He always ended up right back here, at Ryo's side and unable to do anything.

The thought made him snort. He was willing to die for Ryo, and yet he had let their relationship come to this? It wasn't exactly a testament to his devotion.

His snort drew the other man's gaze, but Rowan just shook his head wordlessly. Ryo nodded and shrugged, swinging his legs a little harder. The tension in the swordsman's posture seemed unbearable to Rowan, and he cleared his throat.

"So, how you holding up?"

Not the most subtle of lines, but he had to break this silence. Had to reestablish some connection with Ryo. The apathetic shrug he received as an answer didn't bode well for his chances.

"Kento and Cye made dinner. Mia said it was edible." He tried for humor but Ryo only nodded, still studying his toes.

"You've been out here a while." He could have cursed himself for his inanity, but Ryo finally turned to him.

"Look, Rowan, I don't really feel like talking about it right now..."

He sounded more resigned than pissy, but Rowan knew it could change quickly. In the face of such an uncharacteristically blunt statement, he didn't know what to say. Blinking at Ryo's bloodshot gaze, he sat up straighter. There was a time for mourning and there was a time for living.

"You're starting to worry us, Ryo," he said in a neutral tone. He didn't want to play the guilt card, but he needed Ryo to pull himself together. Rowan couldn't keep this up much longer.

"Sorry for the inconvenience," Ryo muttered back, voice tight with suppressed hostility. Rowan realized he had probably approached the problem wrong, but at least Ryo might let some of the anger go.

"It's not an inconvenience to care about you," he replied calmly. "But Cye and Kento need you right now. Sage needs you. We can't help him without you."

"I don't think Sage needs my help," Ryo snapped. "Haven't I done enough already?"

"You're part of us," Rowan said. "We wouldn't have freed him without you, and now he needs us to help him again."

Snorting, Ryo looked down at his hands. "What can I do? I didn't even know anything was wrong with him until I saw the news. I couldn't help him then, and I couldn't keep Luna from—"

The swordsman broke off and Rowan pushed aside his instinct to call him on the maudlin wallowing. Ryo was hurting and didn't need to be goaded right now.

"I'm sorry, Ryo." He honestly meant it, because he hated seeing Ryo like this.

"Why should you be? You didn't even like her," Ryo said flatly. "You didn't trust her from the beginning and maybe you were right to not want her involved. I guess I let my feelings get in the way. I can't just ignore them like you do."

That hurt more than he was willing to admit. The urge to wound back was strong, and Rowan ground his teeth, standing up. "Yeah, Ryo, you're right. I didn't like her at first, and I sure as hell didn't trust her. Doesn't mean I wanted her dead."

His sneakers echoed on the rickety boards as he walked away, needing space. There was no use talking to Ryo when he was like this because he didn't have Sage's pithy comments, or Cye's soothing presence, or Kento's unending patience. All he had was logic, and that was one thing Ryo never liked to listen to, especially when he was determined to brood. Well fine, Rowan would let him brood until the sun went down and all through the night. It wasn't like the archer cared or anything.

He was halfway to the house when he stopped and sighed. He did care. Too much. That was the problem. Yes, he was exhausted; they all were. It didn't give him the right to just give up on Ryo when the swordsman needed him, whether Ryo was willing to admit it or not.

Kicking the dirt with a curse, he turned and retraced his steps.

~~~

Tears rose unbidden in Ryo's eyes as Rowan's footsteps retreated. He knew he was being unreasonable and the archer had every right to remind him of his duties, but he was just so... miserable.

Luna was dead, Sage was near comatose, and his remaining friends were fed up with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right lately. And now he had pissed Rowan off when the other man was only being concerned for him. Fickle heart, and he just--

He was startled when the footsteps returned to the dock, stomping across the weathered boards. Rowan stopped a few feet away and still looked angry when Ryo turned to him.

"You were right. I didn't like her." Rowan said in clipped tones. "I pretty nearly hated her in fact, because I was so damn jealous I didn't know what to do."

Ryo looked up at him through wet lashes, knowing his surprise showed on his face. Before he could ask any questions, though, Rowan continued speaking, waving his arms agitatedly.

"I thought if I left and put some distance between us, it would go away. But it didn't and I can't ignore it. I never could. And I know you don't like me that way-- I know-- and I'm sorry to dump this on you right now, because you've got enough on your mind, but-- I love you. More than you know. And I can't stand to see you like this and watch you put yourself through this again, because it _wasn't your fault_. None of it was."

"Ro...?" Ryo finally managed to say, shock rendering him immobile. Rowan **loved** him?

"Every time something catastrophic happens, you blame yourself." The archer ranted. "Talpa, the Wildfire swords, everything. And you usually pull yourself out of it quick enough. But you've been moping around here for two weeks and Sage isn't getting any better and Cye won't stop making that damn tea and Kento punched another hole in the wall and I--"

He paused to swallow, looking at Ryo with eyes full of fear and love and determination. "I can't do this without you, all right? I can't be everything you are for them and still be me, because I'm falling apart, Ryo. We need you."

And this time Ryo heard what Rowan had been saying all along; that the archer needed him. He blinked up at him and started to smile, a blush staining his cheeks. The defensive anger of Rowan's posture seemed to drain from the other man and he stood awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.

"So yeah. That's all I wanted to say," Rowan mumbled and turned to leave. Ryo quickly scrambled to his feet.

"Hey." He caught the sleeve of Rowan's shirt, tugging the other man back around. Resolutely, he pushed the misery away and focused on Rowan's azure eyes. "I--I need you, too."

_I love you_. He willed Rowan to hear it, because he wasn't sure if he could say it out loud yet. But the archer reached up to Ryo's hold on his shirt, and covered the swordsman's hand with his own, holding on just as tightly. And suddenly it wasn't so hard for Ryo to say the words.

"I love you."

Rowan swallowed and looked down at his feet, but his grip remained strong. Another tug had Ryo embracing his stiff frame. A moment and then the archer melted into him, arms coming up to return the hug. They stood together in the waning light, and just held on.

About damn time, Kento's voice echoed in their heads. Ryo pulled back to glance at Rowan through his lashes, and they both laughed.

~~~

"Where did you put my camera?" Ryo called up to him from the back of the car, where he was rummaging through the suitcases. It would have been a cute view if it hadn't been the fifteenth time he'd asked that question since they left the house that morning.

Rowan rolled his eyes and shouted back, "It's in the trunk!"

Sighing, Rowan turned to frown at Mia, who was hiding her snickering behind her hand. He groaned and rubbed at his temples.

"Hours in the car with him to go. Whose great idea was this?"

"I believe," she said around giggles. "It was yours."

"Next time I recommend driving to a secluded spot, shoot me. Or better yet, make me buy plane tickets."

He really wasn't that put out, though. For all of Ryo's absentmindedness, it was nice to be going on vacation with just the two of them. They had put this trip off for the past two years, between Ryo's photography and his own research, and now they were finally going to get a whole month to relax. He was pretty sure hell had frozen over.

White Blaze grumbled from his spot on the foyer carpet. Rowan sighed and shrugged at him, "The people we're renting the cabin from were pretty strict on the no animals thing. Sorry, man."

Not that he was very upset at leaving the tiger behind. Blaze had become a little too interested in the mating rituals of humans lately, and having his foot snuffled by a wet nose in the middle of sex was a real mood- breaker for Rowan. He and Ryo had been living together for less than a year, on an old farm with enough room for Blaze, and the newness had yet to wear off. But really, he had to draw the line somewhere.

"I'm sure we'll be just fine. Won't we, Blaze?" Mia smiled far more sincerely at the furball than Rowan had.

"Ryo left enough meat in the freezer to feed him for the next year, so hopefully you won't run out," Rowan reminded her. "There's liver in there as a treat, but he only gets it once a week, and likes it with a little Tabasco sauce. There's also an extra bottle of vitamins. Make sure he gets two in the morning, and wrap them in a bit of cheese if he's a pain about it. If you have to take him to the vet, we left the number of his usual doctor on the fridge. They'll send his files over."

Mia gave him the look she usually reserved for Ryo at his most dense. "And I'll have him in bed by nine and read him a story and everything... I have cat-sat for you before, Rowan. We'll be fine. Don't worry. Go! Enjoy your vacation."

Rowan nodded and smiled. Ryo ran up, camera in hand as he took a few shots of Mia and Blaze. They said their goodbyes and soon were ensconced in the car, on their way.

Rowan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. He hated going on trips, even if he loved getting away from the city. Mentally, he reviewed their packing list.

"Did you remember to give her Blaze's blanket?" He asked suddenly. Ryo laughed.

"Yeah."

He drummed his fingers some more. "Did you grab my toothbrush?"

"No, I'm going to make you use bark."

"Ha ha. What about my swim trunks?"

"Nope-- going naked."

"Very funny."

Ryo laughed again and made a show of stretching in his seat, t-shirt riding up to expose his smooth belly. "Hey, you're Mister Tagged-and-Inventoried packing genius. We're cool. We've got everything. Just relax."

He glanced away from the road long enough to absorb the sight of Ryo slouched against the window, golden sunlight highlighting his dark hair and bronze skin. Sunglasses were pushed up on his head, little-used and oft forgotten, and his jean shorts were cut obscenely high. His knees were up on the dash, bony and tempting, and Rowan focused on the road again with determination.

Hours in the car to go, then they'd be at the cabin, and he could touch whenever he pleased. He could hold out until then. Ryo smiled at him, reaching over to hold his hand as it rested on the gearbox and the warmth seeped up his arm.

Rowan grinned, speeding up, and when he looked over at Ryo's bright blue eyes, he saw his love reflected back.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://jrocci.tumblr.com/)


End file.
